By Lissa Carter, LCMHC
These are hard times. Many of us are exhausted. For months, we have been sitting with the shadow: the unhealthy coping mechanisms that emerge when we spend too much time alone. The addictions that come out of the woodwork when we are under stress. The relational patterns that tax the family system under lockdown. The projection of our physical/financial/emotional fears onto others, the way we frantically search for someone to blame for all of the changes. And now we are sitting with the collective shadow of systemic racism.
In this environment of scarcity and exhaustion, it can be so very easy to put the blinders on and muscle through. To blame some Other person or group of people whose thinking is not like our own, or whose actions defy our understanding. To step out of empathy and into righteousness.
But as we know from decades of research, humans who are connected creatively and empathetically fare better than humans who have shut down those areas of the brain that foster connection (I wrote more about this here.) When we step out of empathy, we abdicate the very skill set that is most likely to lead us toward long-term survival.
Empathy is threatened when fear shuts down our willingness to connect and puts us in fight-or-flight. So one key skill for strengthening empathetic response is paying attention to context.
Empathy and Attribution Error
When we are in grief, or rage, or overwhelm, the part of the brain that makes rational, logical decisions is less accessible. Think about a woman who has lost her only child. If she falls to the ground in the midst of the funeral and begins to tear the floral arrangements into pieces, how do you respond?
a) that woman must have mental problems or
b) that woman is consumed by grief, my heart goes out to her
Most of us respond with “b”. When we understand context, we can attribute a person’s behavior to the context rather than to the intrinsic character of the person.
But what if you didn’t know the context? What if all you saw was a woman tearing up expensive floral arrangements and screaming?
Chances are, in that case we might erroneously think this woman is a disturbed or destructive person. We would be committing an all-too-human mistake known as fundamental attribution error.
The fundamental attribution error is the tendency to attribute our own actions to context (I am speeding because I am late to pick up my daughter, and she must be so worried!) yet to attribute others’ actions to innate character flaws (that guy is speeding because he is a jerk). We commit attribution error when we disregard context, and evaluate behaviors as though they occur in a vacuum.
Assuming that someone must be fleeing instead of jogging because he is wearing a style of shorts I don’t associate with jogging is an attribution error. I can address this error in myself by pro-actively seeking out the stories and life experiences of people who think/live/speak differently than I do. This starts a positive feedback loop in which my openness to others’ perspectives increases my understanding of and empathy for others, and my increased empathy and understanding makes me more likely to listen openly to the experiences of others.
But there is another layer to consider here.
Empathy and Epigenetics
Context does not only occur in the present moment. We have learned through recent studies in epigenetics that the environmental context a person lives through can leave genetic markers that impact the DNA expression of two generations of descendants. (read more about this here).
This means that a woman who survived the holocaust might have a granddaughter who, never having met her grandmother, struggles with high anxiety and hypervigilance. A grandfather who fought in the war might have a grandson who startles at every loud noise.
So consider this: the context that tells me the grieving mother is behaving appropriately is the death of the child. What about a historical context in which generation after generation has experienced brutal separation from their children? This is new research, so we can only begin to grasp the ramifications on a people that have experienced generation after generation of atrocity, from kidnapping to forced labor to family separation to lynching to profiling. How might it change your ability to empathize with the anxious action of an individual to understand that behind that action are several generations of traumatic experience?
If we truly make the effort to understand not only the individual but also the historical context of an individual’s behavior, we can strengthen the muscle of empathetic response rather than reacting out of fear or anger.
Building your Empathy
So far, we have learned that you can actively build your empathy by seeking out the stories of people who have a different perspective and life experience than you do. You can increase empathy and avoid attribution error by pro-actively observing both the present-moment and historical context within which people act.
But there’s one more fascinating way that epigenetics can inform empathy. In studies of mice, scientists were able to demonstrate that adult mice— those that had directly survived trauma as well as their descendants—who were given healthy, stress-free environments to live in were able not only to heal their own traumatic expression, but also to change the epigenetic markers they passed down to their children. From this we can infer that it may be possible to heal entire chains of ancestral trauma within the space of one generation.
But to do so, we need to create a healthy, stress-free environment for the survivors of ancestral trauma.
What does an empathy look like that takes as its mission the active creation of a healing environment for our brothers and sisters? I don’t have the answers, but I suspect it looks like picking up the bulk of the educational and emotional labor. I suspect it looks like offering resources that have been accumulated through privilege to provide scholarships, to build platforms and networks for unheard voices and undervalued perspectives. I know that it means (and I hope this goes without saying) eliminating the primary stressor of racism in the day-to-day experience of this generation. Or, if that is too much to hope for, in the day-to-day experience of the next generation. I know it looks like asking ourselves, every day, How can I use my resources to ease the burdens of others?
Action Steps
We can acknowledge and make room for the very real intergenerational grief and mourning that needs to happen. We can read up on the history and context of current events. We can educate ourselves about systemic racism. We can refrain from pointing fingers at individual actions until we understand the context in which they are happening. We can remember that when a person is experiencing deep grief or rage, it is not a time to be logical or engage in rational debate. It is a time to listen, provide empathy, and create a safe space for emotional processing.
Empathy isn’t something we have or don’t have. It’s something we practice, and we practice it by listening, by creating space in our minds for the perspective of others. We know from the work of Stephen Porges that social engagement is our most adaptive human response. There is too much at stake to be working with anything less than our most adaptive human response.
I have learned, from the privilege of witnessing my clients every day, that if we lean into our empathy, remarkable transformations are possible. I have so much hope that we can love ourselves and our neighbors through this. I have deep hope that we can emerge more empathetic, more deeply connected, on the other side.
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