I'm too busy for this
Posted by Lissa Carter, LPCA
A few days ago, my client settled into her chair with a heavy sigh.
"Can we just skip the mindfulness today?" she asked. There was a quality of sadness to her voice, and it seemed to cost her to even speak this thought.
"Certainly we can," I said, "how would you like to use the time instead?"
She proceeded to share how exhausted she was, how she struggles to meet the basic needs of the multiple people she cares for, how her schedule is so overwhelming that her head spins at the end of the day-- she can't even sleep to recharge herself before facing it all again in the morning. When she finished speaking, she looked up at me again, even wearier and sadder than before.
"Honestly," she said, "I don't even think I should have made time for therapy today. There's too much on my plate."
Sound familiar?
My client gave me permission to tell her story here because so many of us share these struggles. Sometimes, even the thought of taking a moment of quiet contemplation can seem like an impossible luxury in the face of life's urgent demands.
Even if we deeply long to slow down and savor life, we know that slowing down would swamp us in a tide of unmet responsibilities...and so we forge onward, unhappy, distracted, and overwhelmed, but feeling unable to do a thing about it.
My client had taken a pillow from the couch and was hugging it to herself. I tossed another one to her.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm filling up your plate!" I replied, tossing another pillow, and then another. I went into the art room and came back loaded down with pillows and yoga blocks and began to pile them up in a wall around her.
"Here they are," I said, "All of your needs, all of the people and places and emails and forms and appointments and obligations that demand your attention."
I could hardly see my client, though I could hear her laughing behind the wall of pillows.
"Where are you?" I asked. "I can't see you!"
"I'm here!" she called, "behind all of these emails!"
"How do you know?" I asked. "I don't see you at all, all I can see are the pillows!"
"What do you mean?"
"Where are you in your life?"
She got very quiet. I heard her exhale. I came and sat beside her.
"How do you know you're here?" I asked again. "What do you see, and feel, and smell, and know, that tells you that you're here?"
She began to describe the sounds in the room, the gentle hum of the air conditioner and the lingering scent of the sweetgrass I'd burned in the morning. She described an aching in her heart that remained after talking about her sleeplessness. She described how good it felt on her spine to rest against the couch. Her voice got softer and softer and her eyes began to shine.
"I believe you're here now," I said. We both started to laugh. "Even though the pillows are still there--you still have all of those needs to meet-- now you are here too!"
"You're so sneaky! We did the mindfulness anyway!" she said through her laughter.
"And what do you notice?" I asked. She thought about that for a minute.
"I feel happy," she said. "I thought I was too exhausted to feel happy!"
Something lit up inside her at that moment, and she asked in a wondering and resonant voice:
"why do I deny myself the time to feel happy?"
"What a wonderful question. Why do we do that to ourselves?"
"You do it too?" she asked.
"Every day! In fact, may I share this on my blog?" I asked her. "I think there are so many people who could relate to these feelings."
"Only if you tell them that you started the pillow fight," she said.
Okay. I started the pillow fight.
~~~
This matters, because sometimes all we have for ourselves in a day loaded with obligations and responsibilities and appointments is the decision to pay attention. One quick inhale of the sweetly blooming butterfly bush as I walk between appointments. One lingering hug before I wave my child off on the school bus. One moment to close my eyes and smile at the first sip of tea as the sun rises.
These tiny moments of mindfulness place us back at the center of our lives.
When we are at the center of our lives, we are choosing and experiencing our actions, rather than simply going through the motions.
That means that our actions start to reflect our values, and slowly, slowly, even as we meet all of our obligations, our lives start to change.
There is a two-breath meditation that I use to claim the moments of my life. I learned it from a book that Thich Nat Hahn wrote, and it serves as just enough pause that I can realign with my life, my values, and my experience before I resume action. May it be as helpful for you in striking the balance of mindfulness and committed action as it has been for me.
Breathing in, I calm my body. (inhale)
Breathing out, I smile. (exhale)
Dwelling fully in this moment (inhale)
I know this is a wonderful moment. (exhale)
Whatever you may be facing today, I welcome you back. Back to your breath, to the beat of your heart, to the soft animal of your body. I welcome you to the colors lit by the sun, to the scent of flowers and the first fall of leaves, to the taste of warm food and the soothing heat of a warm mug between the palms of your hands.
Whatever you may be facing, however urgent, may it be tempered with moments of mindful awareness, and may you continue to live toward your values in a life that is balanced with joy, self-care, and meaningful work.
Special thanks and gratitude to my amazing client for her willingness to share her story.
When Things Fall Apart: Learning to Stay in the Midst of Chaos
Posted by Maeve Hendrix, LPCA
Let This Darkness Be a Bell Tower
Quiet friend who has come so far,
feel how your breathing makes more space around you.
Let this darkness be a bell tower
and you the bell. As you ring,
what batters you becomes your strength.
Move back and forth into the change.
What is it like, such intensity of pain?
If the drink is bitter, turn yourself to wine.
In this uncontainable night,
be the mystery at the crossroads of your senses,
the meaning discovered there.
And if the world has ceased to hear you,
say to the silent earth: I flow.
To the rushing water, speak: I am.
Sonnets to Orpheus II, 29
Rainer Maria Rilke
Transitions are tough. No matter how big or small the life transition - in order to move through change, a certain amount of ‘letting go’ is required as well as a willingness to embrace the unknown. Wading into the deep murky waters of the unknown can be terrifying.
The unknown is a Liminal Space (unknown threshold) of being neither here, nor there. It can feel shaky, groundless, exciting and utterly mystifying. Something is birthing inside of us but we don't know what it is and this birthing process is occurring on a level that our rational mind cannot comprehend. Our discursive mind scrambles desperately to file, organize, label, and make sense of this liminal space. In feeble attempts to find a sense of stability, we begin to label ourselves and try to put our experience in a box. Most of these labels include either judgment or praise of ourselves and our situation. One moment grasping to the glory of approval and achievement and the next moment berating ourselves for laziness, external sources of disapproval, lack of achievement or simply ‘not being enough’. Sound familiar? We get caught in a very ancient ping pong match of making ourselves Good and then Bad, Right and then Wrong, Worthy and then Unworthy.
Interestingly, we are so very accustomed to putting a label on ourselves that this violent swinging back and forth between opposites is familiar... and therefore strangely comforting. We would rather make ourselves Right or Wrong rather than relax into the unknown, liminal space with no clear identity.
Pema Chodron, American Buddhist nun and meditation teacher describes this unknown, liminal space as The Middle Way. Practicing The Middle Way is a brave endeavor that requires a ferocious desire to break old, ancient deeply engrained habitual patterns that keep us stuck. Chodron says, ‘We have to get to a point where we are utterly sick of the incessant game we play with ourselves. The game of making ourselves Right or Wrong, Worthy or Unworthy, Good or Bad, as a method of seeking comfort, seeking ground.’ We play this game with others as well, forever inhabiting the myopic dichotomies that so often involve Blame and Praise.
The Middle Path practice requires courage, compassion, curiosity, humor, and dedication.
Resting in the uncomfortable space of no label, no evaluation, no judgment (whether positive or negative) feels groundless. In this space of groundlessness, things get dicy. We begin to encounter fears that have been kept at bay for a very long time, perhaps our entire lives. We may feel like our foundation is crumbling and we will give anything to find our footing again.
It is in these moments of unfamiliarity, discomfort, and instability- that we have landed in our own fertile goldmine of untapped treasure, rich with open-ended possibility.
If we can train ourselves to stay… to give ourselves the gift of a sacred pause right there in the fiery moment of discomfort, we can increase our tolerance for discomfort and tap into the energy of the middle path. By radically choosing to be with whatever is arising (thoughts, emotions, sensations) and settle into the energy of groundlessness, we have the opportunity to turn our gaze inward and inquire into the spacious, formless presence that is witnessing each moment.
Furthermore, in Learning to Stay, we can tap into Bodhichitta: Our Awakened/Noble Heart, a vast limitless well of compassion. This is a fierce training process that can be translated to The Path of The Peaceful Warrior, or Bodhisattva training (training for servants of peace). The peaceful warrior training prioritizes cultivating patience and compassion for ourselves and others as we practice The Middle Way.
The Middle Way embraces and celebrates impermanence, continuous flux, continuous change and transition, no resolution, nothing to hold onto or seek for comfort. Furthermore, the Middle Way requests that we walk towards fear and uncertainty and open to the tenderness and strength that emerges when we let our heart be broken OPEN by life.
I’ve been practicing a mantra that helps me to engage in a peaceful, compassionate, and curious relationship with myself when I feel afraid, uncertain or groundless. The mantra is, “I’m here, and I’m listening” which offers a willingness to peacefully hold space for whatever is arising within and around me without a need for resolution... a commitment to be in the fertile space of the unknown. I offer this mantra to physical sensations that I notice, whether they are pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. I offer this mantra to feelings and emotions that arise in me, whether pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. I also offer this mantra to habitual thought patterns of judgment, praise, blame, unworthiness, fear, impatience, joy, ignorance, uncertainty, craving, aversion.
The mantra of ‘I’m here, and I’m Listening’ feels like a peace offering of radical acceptance to all of the parts of myself that have been fragmented from each other. Watching and holding space from the perspective of my inner witness with an energy of compassion, spaciousness, and wakeful presence is beginning to allow all of my layers, voices, and inner characters to mingle and merge in the liminal space of groundlessness, a fertile birthing ground for fresh perspectives and experiences to emerge.
This process requires trust and a willingness to Let Go to Divine Intervention while relaxing into the steady presence of Inner Witness. If I were to describe my experience of the Inner Witness in three words, I would say: spacious, welcoming, and warm. In trusting my capacity to connect to the Inner Witness and allowing all of life’s experiences to move through me, I train in letting go of seeking resolution, seeking comfort, and open up to the vast birthing ground of the Unknown.
Pema Chodron offers a wealth of literature on the practice of the peaceful warrior, embracing groundlessness and Bodhichitta- our Noble Heart/Awakened Heart. Chodron offers, “When we are training in the art of peace, we are not given any promises that, because of our noble intentions, everything will be okay. In fact, there are no promises of fruition at all. Instead, we are encouraged to simply look deeply at joy and sorrow, laughing and crying, at hoping and fearing, at all that lives and dies. We learn that what truly heals is gratitude and tenderness.”
To find out more about embracing life transitions, The Middle Way and touching into Bodhichitta, read Pema Chodron’s book, ‘When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times’.
If you are not actively defining your path, life is defining it for you.
Posted by Lissa Carter, LPCA
Right now, we are one week into our group "Permaculture and the Psyche". The first principle we study is the permaculture principle Everything Gardens.
What does this mean?
Permaculture is derived from the observation of natural systems. When we observe a natural system, one of the first things we notice is the way that natural forces work on a landscape.
A sudden downpour of rain might sweep down the center of a property, creating a stream that erodes the soil and leaves puddles for weeks.
A herd of deer might bed down for the night, crushing vegetation, nibbling bark away from trees, and leaving ticks behind.
People might cut through the landscape in a shortcut to somewhere else, leaving a trail of worn dirt and a hole in the chainlink fence.
The reason observation is necessary before creating a design is this: we cannot change these forces! There will always be rain and deer and people. They have to be incorporated into the design. If we don't understand that deer and rain and people are part of our garden system and actively plan for them, they will continue to act as gardeners on our landscape, transforming it in ways we may not like.
When we think about our own mental landscapes, there are plenty of forces gardening them too! Old beliefs that no longer serve us, unwanted intrusive thoughts, unpleasant moods, unhappy relationships; all of these shape the course of our actions whether we wish them to or not. We cannot remove thoughts, beliefs, or moods from our mental landscape any more than we can remove deer, rain, and people from the physical one!
Here's the thing: those thoughts, beliefs, and moods will be transforming our landscape whether we are aware of them or not. If we become aware of them, we can put them to work in our design.
If you are not actively gardening yourself, other forces are gardening you.
Let's return to our fictional landscape where deer, rain, and people are shaping our garden. Imagine that we want to plant a fruit orchard on this piece of land, but are worried that the rain will wash soil away from roots and drown the trees, that the deer will kill the trees by eating their bark, that the people will compress the soil and steal the fruit.
First, we dig a series of swales on the contour of the land. This ensures that as rain falls, it collects in these ditches rather than channeling itself into one erosive stream. Then the water gathered here percolates slowly down, watering our trees for us. The rain is still gardening the land---but now it is working in a way that we wish it to.
Next, we plant a thick hedge around the border of our orchard, stocking it with native plants that grow thickly and provide cover and habitat for birds and insects as well as forage for deer. As the deer work their way around the hedge, they are kept from the tender fruit trees, but provided with food. They leave their nitrogen-rich droppings in a circle around the property before they move on, adding a source of nourishment to our trees. The deer are still a force on our property, but now they are adding value rather than removing it. As a bonus, we've ensured lots of healthy pollinators by providing habitat for them---as well as a stock of healthy predators for any insect pests that may want to attack our trees. Those same birds and insects will help to control any ticks the deer leave behind.
Finally, we make the extra effort to notice where the shortcut leads that encourages people through our property. Near the hedge that protects our trees from pilfering, we create a path of old concrete blocks set into the ground along this desire-line, and plant a few edibles along this path to nourish our human companions. Now there is an easy way for people to get where they want to go without compressing our soil or taking our fruit.
The first step in all of this was awareness. The second was acceptance, and the third was creativity.
Imagine now if we engaged in the same process for the forces that garden our behavior metaphorically. First, we notice what they are. Social anxiety? Old anger? Fear of rejection? Outdated ideas about who we are? Preoccupation with what others might think?
Then, we accept that these forces are going to be there.
This doesn't mean we agree with them. However, it does mean that we create a design that allows for them instead of sticking our fingers in our ears and pretending they don't exist!
Finally, we get creative about how we can use them in our favor rather than fighting them.
Imagine that depression is gardening you by limiting your engagement with friends and preventing you from exploring activities you used to enjoy.
First, you notice the depression. You take data on the thoughts and feelings that come up, and the toll they take on the dreams you have for yourself.
Then, you accept the fact that depression is there and shaping you. You don't pretend it isn't there, you don't wish it away with positive thinking, you simply accept that it is a part of your mental landscape.
Now you get creative. You look at what depression creates and how that can be useful in your life. Does it get you off the hook for activities that scare you? Plan facing fears into your life design. Does it numb you so that you don't have to face a painful past or difficult relationships? Plan counseling into your design. Get curious about what it would take to change those difficult relationships.
Now depression is still there, but it is serving as a compass to point you in the direction of healing.
So, what is gardening you?
As always, I love to hear from you in comments or by email.
What you're doing to get better might be making things worse.
Posted by Lissa Carter, LPCA
When people walk into my counseling office, they often want to get rid of a problem. Perhaps it's a feeling of sadness, or an addiction, or a difficult relationship.
They are often surprised when I start out by showing appreciation for their problem. The thing is, we develop patterns of emotion and addiction and conflict because we are trying to survive. Somewhere, at some point, that emotion or that substance or that person helped us, or we wouldn't have turned to it in the first place. Those problems started out as solutions.
And now, the problems have become solutions by drawing our attention to unhealthy behaviors, thoughts, and relationships. Problems show us that our old ways aren't working, and give us opportunities to grow and change.
So here's the less-comfortable part:
If problems are solutions, it just might follow that some SOLUTIONS are PROBLEMS.
Let's imagine that you are really, really good at coping with stress by detaching from the present moment. In any stressful situation, you are able to regulate your breathing and take your mind to a quiet, soothing place. This has done wonders for your anxiety and has made the quality of your life skyrocket. Your brain notices this, and slowly, detachment becomes your go-to tool.
When you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail. So the brain begins to apply this solution to every stressful situation. Over time, calm detachment becomes the water you swim in. You might even fuse with this skill and decide it is a part of your personality.
Then, one day, you are called to your boss's office. She's been considering you for a promotion that you desperately want, and tells you that her decision has come down to you and one other co-worker. You feel slightly stressed at this pronouncement, so you do what you do best: you detach. You regulate your breathing and go to a calm place.
You get through the moment with wonderful calm---but you lose the promotion. Your boss decides to give it to your co-worker, because she seemed much more enthusiastic.
Let me make one thing very clear: it is AMAZING to have the skill of self-regulation. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it as a tool.
The solution becomes a problem when we apply it willy-nilly, without the mental space to understand that it might work better in some situations than others.
The worst part about solutions that have become problems is that often, we are blind to them. We keep plugging away, applying our strength diligently to the problem at hand, unaware that we are actually making things worse.
Why? Because it hurts to admit that there are things we aren't good at. It feels much better to show our strengths.
So, when we are under stress, what do we do? We go to our strengths. We try to push through with that thing we are really, really good at.
But chances are, you wouldn't be in a stressful situation in the first place if the thing you are really, really, good at was the answer.
Chances are, the stress is coming from the fact that life wants you to do the thing that is harder for you.
Ouch.
Here's the good news: there are many, many ways to turn problems back into solutions again. All it takes is some willingness to
a) get curious about yourself and
b) accept feedback.
Start to notice what your go-to methods of dealing with stress are. Ask around: what am I really good at? What do you think I could stand to do more of? And listen to the feedback.
Write down the major areas of stress and suffering in your life and take some time to consider if your go-to methods of handling them are contributing to the problem, or to the solution.
The next step, of course, is to figure out what skill life is asking you to develop. Then, practice that skill, with self-compassion, until it becomes easier for you.
So if you're great at organizing every little detail? Practice the skill of enjoying the chaos. If you're really good at listening to friends? Practice the skill of asserting yourself. If you're great at putting your nose to the grindstone and getting things done? Practice slowing down and being present in the moment.
Just to be clear, I'm not asking you to stop organizing and listening and kicking butt! They are all wonderful qualities. What I am asking you to do is simply to notice whether your problems are responding to these skills, or not. If they are, keep at it! If they aren't, your solution may be part of the problem.
We will be learning many skills for gathering feedback and information about our blind spots, as well as the skill of internal witnessing, in our upcoming group Permaculture and the Psyche. Learn more about it here.
And as always, I love to hear from you! Feel free to comment below or email me at innerlightasheville@gmail.com.
5 ways to press "pause" on a bad mood
Posted by Lissa Carter, LPCA
As a counselor, I am constantly urging my clients to express their feelings. Anger, hurt, sorrow; difficult as they are to feel, they are all there for a reason. They are messengers, and they have wisdom for us.
As a human being, I know that there are times when we simply can't express our feelings. There are situations when expressing our emotions might mean losing a job or an important friendship. On these occasions, it can better serve our long-term goals to press "pause" on our feelings and get through the moment. Then, later, when we are in a safe place, we can let the emotions out.
The danger here, of course, is that we often forget to do part two! We press "pause", but never "play". We would rather stay numb than bear the inconvenience and discomfort of emotional expression. Over time, as our unexpressed emotions pile up, it can seem as though to let ourselves feel would be dangerous; that the rage or grief or loneliness would swallow us whole if we gave it even the smallest opening.
Over the long term, repressing our emotions has terrible consequences for our mental and physical health. So how can we balance these two truths: one, that we must express our emotions, and two, that there are situations in which it is not safe to do so?
Over the years I have learned a few small exercises that allow me to press the "pause" button on my emotions so that I can continue to function. I share them here with this caveat:
DON'T FORGET TO EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS LATER! When you are in a safe place, make sure that you give yourself the time to feel your feelings and listen to the messages they have for you about your work, your relationships, and your well-being.
5 WAYS TO PRESS PAUSE ON A BAD MOOD
1. Get your feet on the ground.
Excuse yourself for a restroom break; then find the nearest patch of grass or bare ground and make some skin-to-earth contact. Breathe deeply; visualize your stress, sadness, or anger flowing out from the soles of your feet into the earth. Breathe in strength and feel yourself cradled by gravity. Three deep breaths, then back into the breach! (In a pinch, when I am in a situation in which it doesn't feel acceptable to take off my shoes, I pretend I am tying them and place the palms of my hands on the ground instead. Any port in a storm!)
2. The 5-minute shake.
I may or may not have done this exercise in a bathroom stall in the middle of my GRE exams.
Make yourself a foolproof playlist, all of the songs that you simply cannot help but move to. When the moment comes and you are shaking with anger or sadness or frustration, find a corner where you can be alone, pop the headphones in, and start shaking. Shake your feet from the ankles, your hands from the wrist. Shake your hips, your shoulders, shake your head 'no' and 'yes'. Lay down on your back and shake your legs vigorously overhead like a dying bug. Just shake. Let all of the tremors of your muscles work off those stress hormones and move them through your body. When the song ends, stand still for a moment and take a few deep breaths, noticing any shifts in your state of mind.
3. Square Breathing.
This is a good one for those times when you cannot get a moment alone; this can be done without anyone knowing even in the midst of a conversation.
Inhale for a count of four, hold the breath for a count of 4, exhale for a count of four, hold the breath out for a count of four. Nod and smile as though you are listening and not seething with emotion. Repeat. Inhale, hold, exhale, hold. If the 4-count doesn't work for you, find the count that does. Finish with a few breaths in which your exhale is twice as long as your inhale.
Taking the time to focus on your breathing forces the mind to concentrate on something besides the overwhelming feelings.
4. Shift the focus.
Practice this one ahead of time. Wherever you are, take a moment and extend your arms out to the side, parallel with your shoulders, so you look like that Leonardo da Vinci sketch. Wiggle the tips of your fingers and see if you can unfocus your gaze enough to see the fingers of both hands wiggling simultaneously in your peripheral vision.
This soft-focus gaze is the opposite of the gaze we use to focus on our computers, on the written word, on any detail work required of us. This is a gaze that was taught to me when I was studying wilderness survival skills and again when I was studying kung fu, and recently it turned up in my yoga practice! Any technique that has made the rounds of that many cultures has my vote!
In the moment when you are feeling overwhelmed by emotion, shift your focus into this soft gaze and breathe that way for a few moments. There is a rather amazing metaphorical shift in perspective that happens with the literal shift in perspective.
5. Take a mental step back.
Whatever you are feeling, take a step back and witness it. Notice yourself, the thoughts you are thinking, the emotions you are feeling. Thinking about it in the third person can be useful too: "Lissa is having a hard time talking because she is feeling a very intense sorrow." "Lissa is so angry that I can hear her voice shaking and she has squeezed her hands into fists." You can also take a mental step back by reframing your thoughts from "I am going to explode if she keeps talking!" to "I am having the thought that I am going to explode if she keeps talking".
Taking this mental step back reminds us that we are larger than our emotions and thoughts, and gives us a sense of perspective when those emotions and thoughts feel overwhelming.
~~~
I hope these techniques are useful to you, and please remember (all together now!):
DON'T FORGET TO EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS LATER! Put on a dramatic playlist and dance and shriek. Write down all of your worries and then rip them up. Hit pillows with a baseball bat. Curl up in fetal position and cry. Whatever you need to feel, let it work its way through you until it is finished. And if the emotions feel bottomless or stuck, please don't be afraid to ask for help. That's what we're here for!