"Why can't I meditate?" Demystifying the struggle with meditation + free guided meditation with Maeve Hendrix
Posted By Maeve Hendrix, LPCA, RYT
So many of my yoga students and therapy clients share with me that "They can't meditate, they've already tried and discovered that it is simply not in their skill set because they can't get their thoughts to stop."
My response, "Perfect, you are exactly on the right track."
To which they respond, "What!!!?? How is that possible. I just told you, it's not working, I don't want to do it, it's frustrating and boring - I give up."
I remember exclaiming those very same words to one of my meditation teachers eight years ago and receiving these exquisite words of wisdom - "You are exactly where you need to be, learn to be with yourself as you are - whether you are anxious, bored, self-loathing, doubtful, intrigued, calm, angry, or anywhere in between. The aim of the practice is to learn to be with yourself, watch your thoughts and and experience your breath, rather than 'stop thinking'."
When I heard, "Learn to be with yourself just as you are" - something clicked. I realized that even the thought of 'learning to be with myself' made me want to jump out of my skin and go find something to soothe my restless discomfort. I decided that this practice of learning to be with myself WAS the meditation practice and that life was continuously giving me opportunities to practice, if only I would pause long enough to notice and listen.
After practicing this approach to meditation for the last eight years, I have learned over and over again in small and profound moments - that accepting myself as I am in the moment (rather than trying to be something or someone else), softens the self-aversion in my heart and allows me to inhabit the present moment more fully; in all of its rawness, restlessness, confusion, anger, and joy. Offering myself flexibility within the practice has been helpful as well. Giving myself the option of seated, standing, walking or moving meditation.
“Meditation practice isn't about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It's about befriending who we are already.” Pema Chodron
Pema Chodron's teachings have played a huge role in my process of "Learning to be with myself". I now call my meditation practice, "Learning to Stay". I practice seated meditation in the mornings and weave mindfulness into the rest of the day.
There are five encouraging reminders that I have found helpful for my lifelong Mindfulness Based Meditation practice of "Learning to Stay". I keep these reminders somewhere I can see them on a daily basis - To help me REMEMBER the essentials of the practice. If these resonate with you, feel free to print them out and keep them where you will see them daily.
1) Slowwww Down.
Practicing the art of slowing down is a meditation practice in itself. If you notice yourself rushing around, lurching forward into the future. See if you can commit to physically slowing down your movements for 5 minutes and then reassess your energetic state.
2) Come Home to Yourself. Come Home to your Body.
Remember to actually INHABIT this highly intelligent body that you travel around in. One direct route back into the body is noticing what sensations you feel in the moment and open to all of your senses - sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch.
3) Gentleness towards yourself is your greatest strength.
Check in: How would I describe my relationship with myself in this moment? How strong is the inner critic right now? Can I be gentle towards whatever feelings, thoughts and sensations are present? If not, aspiring towards gentleness is worthwhile.
4) Befriend the antics of your mind.
Cultivating awareness of the Inner Witness (benevolent watchful energy). This is the first step in befriending the antics of the mind. Watching the antics of the mind (craving, aversion, jealousy, boredom, etc) with curiosity and humor allows our relationship towards ourselves and the meditation practice to become considerably more approachable.
5) The Sacred Pause is waiting for you. 1-5 Conscious Breaths.
Try weaving a Sacred Pause practice into your daily life. Perhaps setting a reminder bell on your phone 3-5 times during the day to initiate the sacred pause. The sacred pause simply involves pausing what you are doing and checking in as you notice your breath. You can ask yourself these three questions and commit to 1 minute of pausing with the breath.
1. Can I make contact with this moment? This Breath? 2. Can I feel my feet on the ground? 3. What do I see, hear, smell and taste?
Try out this free guided meditation to directly experience the approach I am describing in this article. Post a response to your experience! I would love to hear your wise ponderings.
Are you wanting to develop your own home meditation practice?
I am offering a 6 week in-depth guided online meditation course beginning January 1st for the New Year. The course will provide weekly guided mindfulness-based meditations paired with useful information on Mindfulness-Based Meditation and weekly integration exercises that include writing, movement and art making. After many years teaching yoga and meditation, I feel inspired to offer a step by step meditation guide to a wider audience, in the comfort of their own homes. My heart is deeply connected to Somatic and Expressive Arts Therapy, which I have been offering individually and in groups for the last few years. Something magical occurs during the synthesis of meditation, somatic therapy and art making. Students have reported experiencing fundamental shifts in their life as a result of developing a consistent home meditation practice including, empowerment, clarity, resilience, contentment, and compassion.
To learn more about this meditation course and to register, click here.
BOO! It's a post about MONEY!
Posted by Lissa Carter, LPCA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! There is nothing scarier than facing our finances!
Believe it or not, conversations about money are an important part of the counseling process. Why?
There is a strong correlation between money issues and worthiness issues.
Now this is emphatically NOT to say that being chronically underpaid or struggling to make ends meet despite working several jobs is your fault. The last thing I want to do is add yet more shame to the money mess.
How much money you make is one thing. Your relationship to money is another.
If it terrifies you to print out a receipt at the ATM because you really, really, really don’t want to know your balance, or you throw your student loan bills away without looking at them, or you cross your fingers every time you swipe your credit card in desperate hope that it goes through, that’s actually not about money.
It’s about fear.
We humans really only have two behaviors in our repertoire: approach, or avoid. When we fear something, we avoid it, because fear is uncomfortable.
Do you see the problem here?
If you fear money, you will avoid it.
Regardless of how much money you make, the first step to financial security is always going to be the ability to approach money.
If you don’t know what you’re working with, you can’t make a plan.
Many cultures hold the belief that this time of the year is a potent time of change, because the veil between the worlds is thin. What better time to face your fears and create change?
So pour yourself a cup of tea, light a candle, sit down with a journal and a pen, and boldly face your finances by answering the questions below.
FACING FINANCES WORKSHEET
1. How have you used money to create value in your life?
(taking out student loans to educate yourself, investing in travel that broadened your mind, buying good quality hiking shoes for your camping trip, paying the heating bill so you could be comfortable in the wintertime, buying seeds to plant vegetables, paying for ingredients to bake a cake for a child’s birthday, finding the perfect gift for a friend, etc.)
2. Describe a time when you’ve been able to act generously, and how it made you feel.
(Perhaps you gave a sandwich to a hungry person, or donated to a cause you believed in, or treated your friend to a latte)
3. How would the lives of your family and friends be improved if you were more financially secure?
(would you give extra time and attention, behave with less anxiety, participate in family trips, treat friends to meals, etc.)
4. If one million dollars flowed to you right now, how would you spend it? What would you invest in? How would you make your life and the lives of those around you better? What values of yours does this express?
5. What stories have you heard from your family, from your culture, and from your spiritual tradition that make you feel guilty about having money?
(What personality traits come up when you think about rich people? What do you fear others will think about you if you become financially secure? What might you lose by becoming financially secure? What stories about yourself will you have to let go of to become more financially secure? What parts of yourself will be made wrong by getting your finances in order?)
6. Compare your answer to question 5 with your answers to all the previous questions and notice any discrepancies. Would your financial security make other people’s lives worse, or better? Is financial security something that will help you achieve your values, or does it stand against your values?
Questions of worthiness run deep, so be very gentle yourself as you fill out this worksheet.
Were there moments when you could hardly write fast enough to keep up with your thoughts? HOORAY! That’s approach, that’s what we’re going for! Doesn’t it feel different than the stagnant, jittery space of avoidance?
Taking the time to thoughtfully answer these questions for yourself may only be the first step in a long journey, but that first step is the most important.
If answering these questions has lit a fire in you, take some time to decide on one or two action steps to commit to, steps that will get your financial decisions more in line with your values. This can be as simple as deciding to look at your balance the next time you go to the ATM, or as monumental as committing a percentage of your income to a cause you believe in.
Or maybe you will commit to simply bringing money up with your counselor, or your partner, or your friends.
Let's bring money out into the light. It doesn't have to be so scary.
Congratulations on your courage, and happy Halloween!
damage control
Posted by Lissa Carter, LPCA
So, an entirely hypothetical person--I'll call her "Lissa"--was in a situation recently in which she very much wished to take her laptop computer and chuck it through the window.
Now let's say that "Lissa" has quite a few conflict management skills; in fact she has a good deal of training in the mental health field. Why might she get into a situation like this? And how might she get out of it without sustaining hundreds of dollars worth of computer and window repair bills?
First of all, I don't know how you managed to guess, but yes, "Lissa" is really me.
We all experience those moments when there appears to be NO OPTION other than chucking the laptop through the window, or shrieking at a significant other, or pulling the car over onto the median and banging our heads repeatedly on the steering wheel. We even take a kind of ugly delight in tearing down all of our hard work and stomping around on our relationships with muddy feet.
When these moments happen, you are not going to be able to reason yourself out of your emotional response.
It doesn't matter how much you meditate, how often you go to therapy, or even how many mental health licenses are framed on your wall.
The rational mind is not in charge at this point. In fact, it's entirely offline.
This is why when we try to "reason" with a tantruming child or enraged significant other, it so often goes sideways.
When we are highly emotionally activated, the central nervous system goes into fight or flight. This means that blood is diverted from our brains into our muscles, and thinking is limited to perception of threat. The consciousness is focused on fear and short-term survival, not love and long-term life goals.
Which leaves us with two wisdom nuggets:
1) It is important to reason with yourself BEFORE you hit emotional overload (that's where the skills and meditation come in!) and
2) When you are in the moment of crisis, it is absolutely vital to engage in damage control.
How, you ask? Well...
Here is a 5-step process for damage control in moments of crisis.
1) DO NOT MAKE PERMANENT DECISIONS BASED ON TEMPORARY EMOTIONS.
Remember this sentence. Put it on a sticky note on your laptop, your alarm clock, or any other small objects that tempt you to the delights of window-chucking. Write it above the laundry hamper if you have ever pondered upending it over your chore-neglecting child. Memorize it: memory resides in a different part of the brain than logical reasoning and may be accessible to you even in a heightened emotional state.
2) Walk away.
Yes, it sounds so simplistic. But if you are on the edge of throwing something or shouting out an unforgivable insult, you are in FIGHT mode. This could very well lead to you making a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion. If it is at all possible, put that clothes hamper down and walk away.
Once we are in FIGHT mode, we can't easily toggle back to calm rationality. But we can easily shift over to FLIGHT, which tends in these situations to be slightly safer. You might think you can handle a conversation with someone right now. You can't. Walk away, then explain and (if necessary) apologize later.
3) Unhook from your narrative.
As you walk away, your brain will very likely be shouting things at you like "Walking is definitely not as fun as throwing that computer would be!" or "Nothing is ever going to be okay ever again!" or "But that person is WRONG and I absolutely have to set her straight or she is going to be smug FOREVER!"
As much as you can, give yourself some distance from these thoughts. It can be helpful to put them into the third person, like this: "Lissa is thinking what an amazing sound that blasted computer would have made shattering all over the concrete" or "Ah, here we have Lissa, a nearly 40-year-old professional counselor, in the middle of a world-class temper tantrum."
If there is a frequent story you fall into, see if you can name it: "Oh, it's the 'Technology Hates Me And I Should Have Been Born In Prehistoric Ireland Instead of Post-Industrial America' story."
"Aha, here's the I'm The Only One Who Ever Does Anything Around Here Story, chapter 843."
Notice that there is a person who can notice those thoughts. Let yourself rest back into that witnessing self instead of running around on the hamster wheel. The thoughts are going to happen, but see if you can choose to observe them instead of identifying with them. This will help to ease you out of fight-or-flight in preparation for the next step.
4) Re-regulate.
This is a very important and very neglected step. Oftentimes, the moment we get hold of ourselves, we want to jump back into the breach. We want to make it right, justify, and apologize. However, it takes the nervous system a while to step down from fight-or-flight. If you don't take the time to soothe yourself and get your rational mind back online before you try to problem-solve, you could end up in the very same headspace you just escaped.
Re-regulation is different for everyone, but basically it is doing something that soothes you. Walking by the river, practicing yoga, scrubbing dishes, singing, taking a hot bath, digging in the garden, chucking walnuts into a pond, reading a book, popping and locking...if you feel calm and relaxed after you've done it, it works for you.
Here's the important thing: YOU DON'T GET TO BEAT YOURSELF UP WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT.
Miserable thoughts are 100% likely to arise, yes, but don't buy into them. Keep your attention on the physical sensations and colors and scents and textures of the activity you are engaged in, and treat yourself with kindness and compassion.
5) Apologize and clean up.
When you feel fully re-regulated, get in there and be accountable. If you scared someone or hurt someone's feelings, you need to honestly, vulnerably, and bravely state your part in that and how you mean to do better next time. If you violated your own values, you need to apologize to yourself and hold yourself accountable for that violation.
Again, this is not a time to beat yourself up, it is a time to take an account of what went wrong, and address it. When you've addressed it, let go of the guilt and move forward. People mess up sometimes. It's a time-honored human tradition.
Finally, and most importantly, it is time to commit to nugget number one: proactively caring for yourself BEFORE stuff gets real.
This means noticing the little physical signals of frustration and giving yourself a break before you hit the point of overwhelm; it means practicing mindfulness or other self-soothing activities daily to lengthen your fuse; it means communicating clearly and honestly from the get-go to avoid the misunderstandings that trigger you.
Having terrible, violent, heartbreaking thoughts is 100% normal. Our human work is to learn how to keep ourselves from acting on them.
This means taking care of ourselves, learning communication and stress-relief skills, and practicing them daily. We all have to do that work. Nobody gets a free pass.
Not even counselors.
So once again, all together now:
1) Take excellent care of yourself BEFORE you get to crisis! Counseling, yoga, naps, hiking, and time with friends is NOT wasted time, it is crisis-prevention time.
2) If a crisis hits, remember: NO PERMANENT DECISIONS BASED ON TEMPORARY EMOTIONS!
Your laptop--and your conscience!-- will thank you.
~~~~~
One unlikely method I’ve stumbled upon for building self compassion is to tell, and listen to, stories. Why? Because when I can find myself in a story that has been told for a thousand years—when a character in a fairy tale says or does that very thing that I said or did just last week—I can feel that maybe, maybe this isn’t a shameful flaw just in me. Maybe this is part of being human. And so often, there is beautiful instruction in the old stories for how to move forward from those painful moments your humanness created.
This year (2024), I am telling a story for each of the eight seasonal points on the wheel of the year. You can participate from anywhere in the world and listen to the story, then talk it through in community to see what it has to tell us. Often these evenings incorporate poetry, music, and writing prompts for you to continue working with the story on your own. If you’d like to participate, click the image below.
"The truth is, I'm unlovable."
Posted by Lissa Carter, LPCA
Last week, I asked a client if she could try and have empathy for the part of herself that was hurting. I asked her to close her eyes, find that part of herself, and put an arm around it.
"I can't do that," she told me. "The truth is, I'm unlovable."
One of the least-popular things I tell my clients is this:
"In this room, I am not interested in the truth."
Really. I really AM NOT interested in whether a thought is true or not. If you have the thought "I'm unlovable", I'm sure you can give me seventy-eight reasons why you aren't lovable, and one hundred and sixteen memories in which life PROVED to you that you are unlovable. I'm sure we could find a dozen people who would raise their hands and argue in favor of this thought that you are unlovable.
Once you've done all of this work, and proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are unlovable, where does that leave you?
Unlovable, with no hope for change, and standing in a room with twelve hateful people!
This is why the relative truth of your thoughts and beliefs does not interest me in the slightest.
What interests me is the WORKABILITY of your thoughts and beliefs.
By workable, I mean that if you believe this thought, it leads you toward a life of meaning and happiness. In other words, it works for you.
So the thought "I am unlovable" might be empirically, statistically, provably true; but does it WORK for you? Is it getting you where you want to go?
Now, there is a chance that you belong to the small percentage of people who act in hurtful ways most of the time. There is a chance that this thought "I'm unlovable" acts as a motivator for you to change your ways and be kinder. If this is the case, then the thought "I'm unlovable" is workable for you, so you can just go on thinking it until that situation changes.
For nearly everyone, however, thoughts like "I'm unlovable", however true they may feel, are simply not workable. Believing these thoughts leads to loneliness, sorrow, and suffering. Believing "I'm unlovable" can make you so miserable that you act unlovable, turning it into a self-fulfilling prophecy!
Once you realize a thought or belief is not workable for you, what on earth do you do?
If "I'm depressed" feels true but unworkable, or "I'm an imposter" feels true but unworkable, or "I'm a terrible mother" feels true but unworkable... how do you step away from something that seems to have the weight of truth behind it, something that sounds so powerful and right?
Some schools of thought teach you to argue with these thoughts, by contradicting them with challenges or affirmations:
I am lovable!
I am happy and lighthearted!
I'm a wonderful mother!
If this works for you, by all means keep at it! However, there can be a problem with this strategy. For many people, given the negativity bias of our brains, stating something positively awakens the cantankerous contradictor that sleeps in our skulls. Our inner critics love to respond to positivity with comebacks like these:
I am lovable! (who are you kidding, remember that time last year when you drank too much and outed your best friend's secret to a crowd of people?)
I am happy and lighthearted! (No you are not, you are still wearing your pajamas and it's 2 pm, you sap!)
I'm a wonderful mother! (oh really? Do you think if we interviewed your kids they'd agree with this assessment of your parenting skills?)
We can argue back and forth with ourselves all day, trying to prove and disprove these thoughts, and in the end, all we've accomplished is the loss of a day!
Here is the simple self-empathy exercise I asked my client to try instead.
The acronym for this process is TEN-4:
T: Thoughts. Notice the thought or belief that is coming up (I'm unlovable) and ask yourself if it is workable. Does believing "I'm unlovable" lead you toward the life you want, or away from it?
E: Emotions. Check in with the emotions behind the thought. Do you feel sad? Angry? Confused? Spacey? Name the emotions that you notice.
N: Needs. Ask yourself what need is unmet for you at this moment.
If your thought is "I'm unlovable" and your emotion is sadness, you might notice a need for social connection that isn't being met, or a need for laughter, or a need for being appreciated. Be curious and open as you assess what needs you might have that aren't being met in this moment.
4: For. Ask yourself or a friend for something that will meet your unmet need.
For example, if you have an unmet need for social connection, you can invite a friend to a lunch date this week, or call a family member you haven't spoken with in a while. If you have an unmet need for rest, ask yourself for half an hour's rest time in the afternoon, or five minutes of deep breathing. If you have a need for laughter, text a friend and ask him to share his favorite joke, or look up your favorite comedian on youtube during lunch break. Meet your need, and then move on. If the thought or belief returns, simply go through TEN-4 again until all of your unmet needs are met, or at least recognized.
Why does something as simple as this TEN-4 process work?
The brilliance of this simple process is that it works with your brain instead of against it.
The thoughts and beliefs that we create are there for a reason. Our brain uses them to protect and warn us. A belief like "I'm unlovable" is the brain's way of making sense of times we were hurt in the past, and its way of trying to warn us to stay away from such hurt in the future.
This is why simply contradicting our painful thoughts and beliefs rarely works. The brain's message didn't get heard, so it retrenches and sends those thoughts and beliefs out even more forcefully!
With the TEN-4 exercise you are actively listening to the brain. You are identifying the message it is sending you, locating the need behind it, and meeting that need.
Once the need is met, the brain does not have to warn you anymore---its job is done!
And one more thing…
The more time you spend truly listening to yourself and responding to yourself with compassion, the more practiced you will be at truly listening to others and responding to them with compassion.
Self-empathy is a crucial first step in healing the wounds of this world.
~~~
One unlikely method I’ve stumbled upon for rebuilding self compassion is to tell, and listen to, stories. Why? Because when I can find myself in a story that has been told for a thousand years—when a character in a fairy tale says or does that very thing that I said or did just last week—I can feel that maybe, maybe this isn’t a shameful flaw just in me. Maybe this is part of being human. And so often, there is beautiful instruction in the old stories for how to move forward from those painful moments your humanness created.
This year (2024), I am telling a story for each of the eight seasonal points on the wheel of the year. You can participate from anywhere in the world and listen to the story, then talk it through in community to see what it has to tell us. Often these evenings incorporate poetry, music, and writing prompts for you to continue working with the story on your own. If you’d like to learn more or join in, click the image below.
I'm too busy for this
Posted by Lissa Carter, LPCA
A few days ago, my client settled into her chair with a heavy sigh.
"Can we just skip the mindfulness today?" she asked. There was a quality of sadness to her voice, and it seemed to cost her to even speak this thought.
"Certainly we can," I said, "how would you like to use the time instead?"
She proceeded to share how exhausted she was, how she struggles to meet the basic needs of the multiple people she cares for, how her schedule is so overwhelming that her head spins at the end of the day-- she can't even sleep to recharge herself before facing it all again in the morning. When she finished speaking, she looked up at me again, even wearier and sadder than before.
"Honestly," she said, "I don't even think I should have made time for therapy today. There's too much on my plate."
Sound familiar?
My client gave me permission to tell her story here because so many of us share these struggles. Sometimes, even the thought of taking a moment of quiet contemplation can seem like an impossible luxury in the face of life's urgent demands.
Even if we deeply long to slow down and savor life, we know that slowing down would swamp us in a tide of unmet responsibilities...and so we forge onward, unhappy, distracted, and overwhelmed, but feeling unable to do a thing about it.
My client had taken a pillow from the couch and was hugging it to herself. I tossed another one to her.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm filling up your plate!" I replied, tossing another pillow, and then another. I went into the art room and came back loaded down with pillows and yoga blocks and began to pile them up in a wall around her.
"Here they are," I said, "All of your needs, all of the people and places and emails and forms and appointments and obligations that demand your attention."
I could hardly see my client, though I could hear her laughing behind the wall of pillows.
"Where are you?" I asked. "I can't see you!"
"I'm here!" she called, "behind all of these emails!"
"How do you know?" I asked. "I don't see you at all, all I can see are the pillows!"
"What do you mean?"
"Where are you in your life?"
She got very quiet. I heard her exhale. I came and sat beside her.
"How do you know you're here?" I asked again. "What do you see, and feel, and smell, and know, that tells you that you're here?"
She began to describe the sounds in the room, the gentle hum of the air conditioner and the lingering scent of the sweetgrass I'd burned in the morning. She described an aching in her heart that remained after talking about her sleeplessness. She described how good it felt on her spine to rest against the couch. Her voice got softer and softer and her eyes began to shine.
"I believe you're here now," I said. We both started to laugh. "Even though the pillows are still there--you still have all of those needs to meet-- now you are here too!"
"You're so sneaky! We did the mindfulness anyway!" she said through her laughter.
"And what do you notice?" I asked. She thought about that for a minute.
"I feel happy," she said. "I thought I was too exhausted to feel happy!"
Something lit up inside her at that moment, and she asked in a wondering and resonant voice:
"why do I deny myself the time to feel happy?"
"What a wonderful question. Why do we do that to ourselves?"
"You do it too?" she asked.
"Every day! In fact, may I share this on my blog?" I asked her. "I think there are so many people who could relate to these feelings."
"Only if you tell them that you started the pillow fight," she said.
Okay. I started the pillow fight.
~~~
This matters, because sometimes all we have for ourselves in a day loaded with obligations and responsibilities and appointments is the decision to pay attention. One quick inhale of the sweetly blooming butterfly bush as I walk between appointments. One lingering hug before I wave my child off on the school bus. One moment to close my eyes and smile at the first sip of tea as the sun rises.
These tiny moments of mindfulness place us back at the center of our lives.
When we are at the center of our lives, we are choosing and experiencing our actions, rather than simply going through the motions.
That means that our actions start to reflect our values, and slowly, slowly, even as we meet all of our obligations, our lives start to change.
There is a two-breath meditation that I use to claim the moments of my life. I learned it from a book that Thich Nat Hahn wrote, and it serves as just enough pause that I can realign with my life, my values, and my experience before I resume action. May it be as helpful for you in striking the balance of mindfulness and committed action as it has been for me.
Breathing in, I calm my body. (inhale)
Breathing out, I smile. (exhale)
Dwelling fully in this moment (inhale)
I know this is a wonderful moment. (exhale)
Whatever you may be facing today, I welcome you back. Back to your breath, to the beat of your heart, to the soft animal of your body. I welcome you to the colors lit by the sun, to the scent of flowers and the first fall of leaves, to the taste of warm food and the soothing heat of a warm mug between the palms of your hands.
Whatever you may be facing, however urgent, may it be tempered with moments of mindful awareness, and may you continue to live toward your values in a life that is balanced with joy, self-care, and meaningful work.
Special thanks and gratitude to my amazing client for her willingness to share her story.
